![]() ![]() The majority (not all!) of marital issues can be condensed into one problem. The חידוש here is that this a fact in psychological theory as well. That something else is a dedication to something other than yourself. The only way to be happy is as a side effect of something else. Paradoxically, we can never be happy if we try to. The goal is “ones personal dedication to a course greater than oneself”. The mistake is in thinking that happiness is the goal. When it doesn’t, they pursue other avenues that they believe will bring them happiness such as money, honor, etc. Many people get married thinking that marriage will bring them happiness. While there is much to delve into here, one concept is key here. For success, like happiness cannot be pursued it must ensue… as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a course greater than oneself” (Viktor Frankl) “Don’t aim at success- the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. There is a quote from Viktor Frankl that helps elucidate this. At the foundation of many of these themes is a single principle. However, there are often common themes that are dominant in many struggling marriages. There is no one problem nor one solution that will completely address this issue. It behooves us all to understand the causes for this and to begin finding a solution.Įvery marriage is unique and so are its challenges. After speaking to many Rabbanim and colleagues, it’s clear that this is the norm. As a therapist, the one universal struggle that almost all of my clients have in common is marriage. Many couples that look fine are not doing fine at all. There are also many that suffer in silence. The divorce rates in the Frum community have been climbing, both for young couples as well as older couples divorcing after marrying off their children. Although our rates of divorce are much lower than the general population, we should not be fooled into thinking that we are exempt. ![]() ![]() Among the marriages that survive, many are plagued with rancor and discontent. The current rates of divorce in the US are staggering. In last week’s article, we discussed the human need for a life filled with meaning and how a distorted perception of רוחנית blocks our ability to live meaningfully, and the resulting mental health challenges (see here) This week, I want to go a bit deeper into another area in which the lack of meaning and its void manifests. ![]()
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